By Rena Martine, intimacy coach

When you hear the term “sexual fantasy,” what comes to mind?

For some, it’s an orchestrated scene, complete with costumes, role play, and (probably subpar) acting.

But what if you don’t think you have sexual fantasies at all? If that’s you, you might be surprised to learn that it’s not that you’re missing out on something — it’s just that your definition might need a little tweaking.

The myth of no fantasies

Many folks are quick to claim they don’t fantasize, equating fantasies with something visual or cinematic, like a personal movie playing out in their heads. The research tells us, though, that only 2–3% of people experience what’s known as “aphantasia,” the inability to create mental imagery. So, if you don’t fall into that small percentage, chances are you do have fantasies — you just might not be calling them fantasies!

Redefining sexual fantasies

So what is a fantasy? According to researcher Justin J. Lehmiller, “A sexual fantasy is any mental picture that comes to mind while you’re awake and ultimately turns you on.”

Any mental picture, friends. Thinking of what your barista looks like naked? Sexual fantasy. Getting excited about having sex with your Tinder hookup for the first time? Sexual fantasy. Imagining being the center of a gang bang while you masturbate? Sexual fantasy.

No role-play necessary. No costume or scripts required.

I often run into clients (many of whom are in long term relationships) who claim to be “boring” when it comes to fantasies, and who genuinely believe they don’t have any. To which I normally ask: “What do you wish your partner would do differently? What would you want more of? What would you want less of?” When phrased in those terms, clients tend to have PUH-LENTY of fantasies (“more oral,” “me giving up control,” etc.) even if they’re not labeling them as such.

Is it a wish, or just a fantasy?

A fantasy is something you think about that turns you on sexually; a wish is a fantasy you actually want to act on. Not every fantasy is something you’d do in real life, and that’s perfectly normal. Just like everything you watch in porn isn’t something you’d enact in reality, a fantasy is simply any mental image that comes to mind that gets your proverbial juices flowing.

So, next time you catch yourself thinking, “I don’t have sexual fantasies,” know that you just might be wrong.