The Kinkist is a magazine
about kink and relationships.
By Dr. Jamie Knight
What happens when you treat sex like play? (Spoiler: Everything gets better)
As children, play was how we explored the world. It helped us grow, adapt, take risks, and discover what it meant to collaborate with others. It’s how we built resilience, strengthened social bonds, and learned emotional regulation. It wasn’t just fun; it’s foundational to our development.
Psychologist Peter Gray’s work on the evolutionary function of play highlights its ongoing role in adult resilience, social bonding, and emotional regulation. He argues that play fosters adaptability and cooperation, skills just as necessary in long-term relationships as they are on the playground.
But as we mature, something shifts. Play often gets squeezed out by productivity, responsibility, and performance. And yet, our need for it doesn’t disappear, it simply evolves.
In adulthood, play takes on different forms. And perhaps the most potent, creative form of play that remains is sex.
When approached with curiosity and a spirit of play, sex becomes a space for mutual discovery. It gives us room to express ourselves, to be silly, imaginative, tender, bold…kinky. It invites connection and emotional intimacy, not just physical closeness. Sex can become a place where adults step outside routine, explore new parts of themselves, and reconnect with their erotic aliveness.
Renowned psychotherapist and relationship expert Esther Perel underscores this idea in her TED talk "The Secret to Desire in a Long-Term Relationship." She emphasizes how playful interactions allow partners to break free from their daily roles, rekindling passion and deepening trust.
When we allow sex to be playful, not performative, we welcome more joy, more honesty, and more growth into our relationships. It’s not about being frivolous. It’s about returning to something deeply human: our need to feel safe enough to explore, and loved enough to be seen.
In a world that often rewards control and seriousness, making space for play, especially in our intimate lives, is a radical act. It softens us. It connects us. And, it can even heal us.
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Read moreThe Kinkist is a magazine
about kink and relationships.
Kink is grown-up play with better prizes
By Rena Martine, intimacy coach
What happens when you treat sex like play? (Spoiler: Everything gets better)
As children, play was how we explored the world. It helped us grow, adapt, take risks, and discover what it meant to collaborate with others. It’s how we built resilience, strengthened social bonds, and learned emotional regulation. It wasn’t just fun; it’s foundational to our development.
Psychologist Peter Gray’s work on the evolutionary function of play highlights its ongoing role in adult resilience, social bonding, and emotional regulation. He argues that play fosters adaptability and cooperation, skills just as necessary in long-term relationships as they are on the playground.
But as we mature, something shifts. Play often gets squeezed out by productivity, responsibility, and performance. And yet, our need for it doesn’t disappear, it simply evolves.
In adulthood, play takes on different forms. And perhaps the most potent, creative form of play that remains is sex.
When approached with curiosity and a spirit of play, sex becomes a space for mutual discovery. It gives us room to express ourselves, to be silly, imaginative, tender, bold…kinky. It invites connection and emotional intimacy, not just physical closeness. Sex can become a place where adults step outside routine, explore new parts of themselves, and reconnect with their erotic aliveness.
Renowned psychotherapist and relationship expert Esther Perel underscores this idea in her TED talk "The Secret to Desire in a Long-Term Relationship." She emphasizes how playful interactions allow partners to break free from their daily roles, rekindling passion and deepening trust.
When we allow sex to be playful, not performative, we welcome more joy, more honesty, and more growth into our relationships. It’s not about being frivolous. It’s about returning to something deeply human: our need to feel safe enough to explore, and loved enough to be seen.
In a world that often rewards control and seriousness, making space for play, especially in our intimate lives, is a radical act. It softens us. It connects us. And, it can even heal us.