(And no, it doesn’t have to be a lifestyle)

When couples hit a rut, the go-to advice is usually something like: “Have more date nights” or “schedule sex.”

Cute. But not always effective.

Sometimes what your relationship really needs is a little room for play! And that’s where kink comes in.

You don’t need a dungeon. You don’t need a safe word embroidered on a pillow. You just need curiosity, and a willingness to use your imagination.

Women need variety (and kink can deliver this)

Let’s start with this truth bomb: Most women aren’t “low desire.” We’re just bored.

As I write in my book The Sex You Want, women’s desire often lives in our minds. That means novelty, psychological stimulation, anticipation, and surprise aren’t just bonuses; they’re the actual turn-ons.

Wednesday Martin backs this up in her book Untrue, where she writes that women’s desire for sexual novelty rivals—and often exceeds—that of men. So if your libido feels like it’s MIA, it might not be that it’s *broken*. It might just be uninspired.

Enter kink.

Whether it’s sensory play, power dynamics, or finally acting out that fantasy you’ve never said out loud, kink gives your desire something new to chew on. And no, it doesn’t have to look like a scene from Fifty Shades. It can be a blindfold. A whispered command. A “close your eyes and trust me.” 

Kink = Communication upgrade

Here’s what most people miss: kinky sex is one of the most communicative types of sex out there. Being able to talk about sex outside the bedroom is one of the strongest predictors of relationship satisfaction. And research from the Gottman Institute backs that up: 50% of women who talk openly about their sexual desires with their partner report being “very satisfied” in their relationship. That number drops to just 9% for women who don’t.

Nine percent!!! That’s not a gentle suggestion. That’s a bullhorn saying: “USE YOUR WORDS.”

Because here’s the thing: When you can talk about the scary stuff (the “okay this might sound weird but it’s hot” stuff) you can talk about anything.

Once you’ve said, “I want you to pin me down and make me beg,” asking for a night off from dishes or a hard conversation about money feels way less terrifying.

When you can become shameless in the bedroom, that confidence spills into every part of your life, and into your relationship.

You don’t have to go full dungeon

Exploring kink doesn’t mean you suddenly have to become a 24/7 Dom/sub couple or go to weekly sex parties (although if that’s your thing, have at it!).

Start with baby steps. These can look like:

• Trying a blindfold. Take away one sense and the rest get sharper.

• Playing with textures (feathers, ice cubes, velvet, leather).

• Writing down your top three fantasies and sharing them with your partner. 

Also, kink doesn’t need to be an "every time you have sex" thing. It can be tied to a special occasion. Remember: Novelty is key!

Kink isn’t about performance, it’s about playing

You don’t have to be “kinky enough” to explore kinky sex. You don’t need labels or matching latex outfits. You just need curiosity. A little courage. And the willingness to say, "you know what might be fun to try?"

Because when you do, you’re not just adding variety to your sex life. You’re building a relationship that invites play, surprise, and connection. 

And all of us grown ups could use a lot more of that, couldn’t we?