First things first: Being kinky doesn’t mean you’re showing up to brunch in latex and a leash. (Though if that’s your thing, I raise my mimosa to you.)

Most of us have a pretty narrow idea of what kink looks like, and that’s exactly why so many people think it’s not for them. But once you understand what kink really is, you might be surprised to find it’s already living inside your head (and maybe even your bedroom).

So let’s break it down: What’s a kink, what’s a fetish, and why is it totally okay (amazing, actually) if you’re into either one?

Wait, what’s the difference between a kink and a fetish?

Kink is anything that falls outside the realm of “vanilla” sex. That could mean:

• Spanking

• Hair pulling

• Dirty talk

• Role play

• Sensation play (think blindfolds, feathers, ice cubes)

A fetish, on the other hand, is a specific object, body part, or material that someone finds sexually arousing, sometimes to the point that it becomes essential for arousal. Think feet, latex, or leather.

All fetishes are kinks.
But not all kinks are fetishes.
Kink is the umbrella; fetish is a mode of expression under that umbrella.

Are you kinky? (Spoiler: Probably.)

If you’ve ever fantasized about your partner pinning you down, taking control, or doing something just a little outside your usual script, then guess what? You’re kinky.

I’ve had hundreds of clients and readers complete their “27 Things”—a list of everything they want to feel, try, or experience intimately. And time after time, the same themes show up:

• Wanting to surrender control
  

• Wanting to be worshipped
  

• Wanting to be seen
  

These aren’t extreme. They’re human. They’re hot.

As I share in my book The Sex You Want, fantasies about novelty and adventure are among the most common, and include everything from “hot tub sex” to “being blindfolded while your partner explores your body.”

And the research backs it up:

93% of women have fantasized about being sexually dominated.
—Justin Lehmiller, Tell Me What You Want

 

Women’s desire for sexual novelty rivals—and often exceeds—that of men.
—Wednesday Martin, Untrue

So if you’ve ever caught yourself craving something new, that’s not a sign you’re broken; it’s a sign you’re wired for curiosity.

You don’t have to go full dungeon

Exploring kink doesn’t mean diving headfirst into rope suspension and impact play (unless that’s your thing–then please, enjoy responsibly!). For most people, it starts with baby steps:

• Try a blindfold and see what happens when one sense is removed
  

• Play with textures (think ice cubes, feathers, silk, leather)
  

• Write down a few fantasies and share them with your partner
  

You don’t choose your kinks. They choose you.

Curiosity is the antidote to judgment. So whether you’re into a little spanking, a lot of praise, or something you haven’t even discovered yet, know this: you are not weird, broken, or too much.

You’re just getting to know yourself more deeply.

And what’s hotter than that?!